Box Office Outlook: Crystal Box-Office Grosses

By Katey Rich

Ba-ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba-BA! Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! You know you're already singing along. It's finally-- finally!-- time for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and even though halfhearted reviews from critics have pretty much spoiled all the plot points, I am not deterred! By the time you read this I will have seen the movie on opening night, Sno Caps in one hand and popcorn in the other, mentally shushing all the talking idiots in the theater and fervently hoping for a secret Sean Connery cameo. And to prepare myself for the experience of seeing what might just be the biggest-opening movie in history, I'll look back over some of the reviews, along with a few more of the weekend's releases. Though, with Indy coming to over 4,000 screens and everything else opening on fewer than 10, it's not really a question of which one matters most.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL. Opening (Thursday) in 4,260 theatres. Well, it's been nearly 20 years since his last adventure, but intrepid archaeologist Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) is back in action. This time it's the Cold War, and the Russians are the bad guys, seeking control of the mysterious Crystal Skull, an artifact possibly left on Earth by aliens that imbues its owner with unbelievable power. Along on the journey are Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf), a mouthy kid, and Indy's old flame Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen). Cate Blanchett puts in a performance as the villainous Russian Irina Spalko, and John Hurt and Ray Winstone play Indy's colleagues, who may or may not be exactly what they seem.

It's not exactly fourth verse, same as the first, with this franchise revival, but most of the critics are happy enough to be in Indy's company, even if it's not as much fun as it used to be. Our Kevin Lally says the script "isn't as consistently satisfying as the best episodes in the series," but as a whole, the movie "feels of a piece with its predecessors." "It's the most tender, warm-spirited and entertaining picture Spielberg has made in years," writes Salon.com, and the Washington Post cheers, "The boy is back in town." On the other hand, Manohla Dargis at The New York Times says the movie "comes alive only in isolated segments," and Rex Reed at The New York Observer curiously dubs it "a four-star yawn." And the Wall Street Journal sighs, "All of it amounts to a been-there-done-that-better recapitulation of Mr. Spielberg's career."

POSTAL. Opening in 4 theatres. Uwe Boll crowed for months about being the only filmmaker who dared to open against Indiana Jones this weekend, but his hubris resulted in only four theatres booking his film. An adaptation of the shoot 'em up video game, Postal is about two slackers who wind up, somehow, fighting the Taliban. The Soup Nazi from "Seinfeld" plays Osama bin Laden. Dave Foley plays one of the slackers, with Zack Ward as the other one. It's hard to figure out much more of a plot based on the reviews, so let's go ahead and get to those.

Well, what did you expect? It's Uwe Boll. Our Frank Lovece called Postal " a plodding series of bits designed to be either gross-out humor, slapstick humor (with lots of guns 'n' ammo) or 'daring, self-reflexive' humor." The Village Voice writes colorfully, "Anarchy, my ass�this movie's about as dangerous (or as funny) as a mouthy, caffeinated teen punk from the suburbs who just saw his first shit-flinging GG Allin performance on YouTube." Variety gives the movie at least a little credit: "This anything-goes exercise isn't dull -- one just wishes the outrageousness were more consistently funny." And some people even liked it! Film Threat writes, "Postal is so ballsy and unconcerned with playing touchy-feely that you have to admire the sheer joyful fearlessness that went in its making."